Lucky me, the house is quiet once again.

Lucky me, the house is quiet once again. I just sat down with a cold cup of coffee from 2 hours ago and I am just acting like its supposed to be iced coffee. The house is a wreck but worth it. I talked to my Dad for over 3 hours today which Definitely new for us. We have kind of a waspie family where we just don’t talk about stuff that is bpthering us, we just let it fester and then explode. So today was such a healthy talk for us, we talked about things that are hard to be discussed. My parents live 20 minutes away from us but in October they are moving away to Mississippi where they grew up and where I was born. I am really excited for them. I think the change will do them good.

I live in this beautiful little yellow house with a white picket fence and a purple bathroom. I have some green space in the front yard yet it doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel settled and I want to. I want to paint the walls, I want to buy furniture that fits our house. But the house doesn’t feel like home… I feel like we are used to being on the move now and will never feel fully settled.

I just wanted an Americano!

Things I have learned since having two little ones and not just one. Nap time is the hardest to navigate during the day. Oliver will sleep 2-3 big naps during the day but if he doesn’t get his morning nap, the day is a do over. Jackson has to be kept quiet during nap time which usually involves a movie or if I am being good books or a project. The hardest part is dealing with the melt downs of Jackson when he doesn’t get his nap or he does get his nap and just is a grump. The challenge everyday is how do I get my littles out in the world for all of our sanity without being stuck in the car for an hour and half driving nowhere but I have to keep the car moving for the first hour or they will wake up. And once one little guy wakes up the other will too. Right now we live in an upstairs apartment and I have carried both of them up the stairs and kept them asleep, great workout. But it is not ideal and I have ruined several naps because I have done so.

Naps are ruined by so many factors, washing dishes and making a loud noise, drive thru coffee place has an overly happy barista whose voice booms from the microphone (doesn’t she know this is my alone moment of the day). I just wanted an americano to get me through my day.  think any parent would find it hard to navigate their schedules and still make the day fun. I know by going out once a day, will make my sweet Jackson tell me he is tired by rubbing his little eyes and running to bed. I know how long Oliver has to fuss before I pick him up to nurse him asleep.

I have fallen behind in so many aspects of my life and it becomes overwhelming. Laundry will never be all done, I will always need to throw more of my stuff away, I stopped eating gluten and dairy free and I am feeling the results. My head is foggy, I am craving food I know hurts my tummy and I stopped cooking. I eat what Jackson eats which is noodles, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, cut up apples and chicken nuggets. I will write about learning to be vegan in another post.

New Home, New State

It’s the night before company arrives for christmas. The house seems to stay a mess no matter how hard I work on it! The little guys wake up every morning and we start our day. But we have yet to find our groove. I am not the mom I always thought I would be… I don’t make breakfast ever, lol. I am always scraping to look somewhat presentable and so is my family. I don’t know what is missing but I know that it is my fault…. I think its really hard to admit to this but I am not the mother I wanted to be… I don’t yell, but my kids are lacking structure and I am lacking in motivation. I think the answer is I need is to stop breastfeeding and start taking anti depressants… My little guy is 9 months old and I never thought I would want to stop now… And I don’t want to stop now. I am happy andI love them so much. I am not resentful of them. I just don’t have the motivation I need. I don’t care that I don’t get to shower for a few days mostly because of my eczema. I want to make them the best people that they could possibly be and I don’t see myself motivated or well equipped enough to do that right now.

I have had A LOT of food allergies recently come up which make it really hard to meal plan. I am allergic to tomatoes, eggs mostly egg whites, oranges and bananas. Breastfeeding makes me so happy. I love every aspect about it but I tried taking a pill for one day and my littlest cried abnormally through out the day. So I have stopped. I am completely fine without medication. I am not crying, I am not sad, I have hopes and dreams. I might be just bored being new to a new city and not know what I need to do every day to get us all out of the house.

I PUSHED for us to buy a house and it feels so good. But there are so many things we need to do to get everybody situated. And there is always something in the way like my phone being stolen, or my car needing new tires or a wedding we HAVE to go to. Ideally we would have a set time for everything to happen every day. But we live off a man who works a retail schedule, I don’t understand how people are so scheduled and have everything all perfectly put away. I don’t understand how I am supposed to be martha freaking stewart with a 9 month old that nurses around the clock and a little guy with TERRIBLE eczema. We are doing fine financially I just hate not contributing. I hate that my house is never put together. I hate that I don’t have dinner on the table every night. I feel like I am not excelling at my job because of these things.

I changed my way of talking to Jackson and discipling him. He is very sensitive, and has intense emotions that he doesn’t always know how to explain that he needs space like when Ollie constantly getting into his toys or crawling on him. I ask him if he needs a hug or a cuddle and he looks up at me, he says “Yes mama, pease”. He needs a reset, a lot of times. I am hoping things will start changing soon. Jackson is full blown talking, YAY!!! I worried a lot about him and he seems to be doing fine. There is so much joy in this home. I love having everyone here. I have everything I need. I just think I am always looking for that magic thing or activity to make the day much more manageable. I love having a garage. If I drive out in the world with my two littles to do errands and they fall asleep then I can drive into my garage. Leave the windows open, car off garage door closed and prop open the door to the inside of the laundry room. I can get things done and they can get their sleep. I really needed that and I got that.

Everything you need is right here, RIGHT NOW!

Being grateful.I was just reading about how its all about your mindset whether or not you are able to see the situation you are in as ideal or for what you want….But it says everything is here for you right now…..

I get caught up in the i wants or the i needs….
Things get tight. Really tight but we still have shelter, food, water and little messes everywhere showing that there is life here. I am creating another baby.. ONE of MY FAVORITE THINGS to do…. I am so grateful….

Things are never really going to change we will always think we need something or a huge bill will come out at us from nowhere but I have my husband. My husband who gives his ALL to making me happy. Making sure he is providing for us his family. Because we are his dream too!

We are living the dream.. And the dream is about growing from the two of us to the five of us!!! I am grateful..

Number #3

I am lost for words on how I exactly feel during this pregnancy… I feel overwhelmed, excited, scared, anxiety of how I am going to care for three very small children properly. I find myself frustrated and taking deep breathes already during the long days where Andy works long days and then has to go something again at night to make our ends meet.
Andy has done some serious picking up the slack lately when it comes to meal planning…. I have gotten to a great rhythm of cleaning the house and with the weather averaging at 105 per day the only exercise I am going to get is inside..
I heard back from the doctor that I have to go in for three hour gestational diabetes test… I already had gestational diabetes with my first and I know what to expect and its disappointing. I already feel horrible about where I am with my weight gain… I have gained 24 pounds and I am 30 weeks… I got pregnant this time with forty pounds left from the other two pregnancies…. I just feel rounder and big overall… I cannot love my belly anymore though… Stretch marks be damned. I love that my body has the power to create life, I love that I know the end product of this big stretched out belly that has a life that has no problem kicking me after a helping of carbs..
My soul loves being pregnant. My body though seems to fall apart… I also have had gestational choleostasis during both of my pregnancies making me a very high risk..
Gestational choleostasis is a condition in when your gallbladder can process bile acids like it normally would and basically the bile acids spill out into your blood stream making you INSANELY itchy. I end up having 2-3 appointments a week to make sure the baby is doing well.. The big scare of this condition is the risk of still birth so normally I deliver anywhere from 35-37 weeks.
So with a three year old and a 16 month old I am scared and worried about my health with this little guy.. I can’t really be sick there is no one that can pick up the slack for me this time… Its all on me and thats scary.

Do I know I can do it. Hell yes because Moms do everything in their power to take care of their little ones… I just get a little overwhelmed in the process.

What can I eat!

So I have issues with my stomach right now. I also recently learned my grandmother had her gallbladder removed and my father had his galbladder removed and both of these people in my life had bad health. My grandmother had rheumatoid arthritis and my dad has type 2 diabetes. They both smoked which I did too for a long time in my life.
So when I was pregnant my gallbladder went crazy so much so that I was insanely itchy and they had to get my first child out 5 weeks early, it was induced but I gave birth medicated naturally. Second baby, I showed signs of having the gallbladder issue again but I got medication quickly and now I have really healthy baby.
Soo I have noticed a kinda fog in my head, general unhappiness in my stomach and lack of energy. So I am starting an elimination diet for a month. I am going gluten free ( I can already tell I have an intolerance to it but I am hoping stopping will repair my stomach I can have small doses of it later in life), dairy free, sugar free, corn free and processed food free, oh and soy free. Something is really bothering my stomach and I don’t want to go to the doctor. So someone might ask what do I eat well this morning I had unsweetened almond milk, water, and frozen berries blended, lemon water and coffee and now I’m snacking on bell peppers with hummus. I feel better. More in tune with my body, it feels good. I feel like I have to be drastic here with my diet because I am the only one who can take care of me. I am still a vegetarian at the moment but I’m rethinking it because there’s not much to eat and I’m still nursing my baby. But I’m gonna try and make it work.
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Night before J’s first day of preschool

So I know I am not the only one that has ever felt this way. It is almost 1 am in the morning and I am crying not hysterically. I signed Jackson up for preschool 2 days a week so he could get some quality social time in and because I can’t wait for him to start talking. I have a feeling this will help a lot with his speech. We were going to a mommy and me daycare and Jackson got picked on too much. The bad outweighed the good so I think he is done with that place which was free, Hell Yeah! So if it was free and not worth it there had to be some pretty bad things about that place and it was mostly I felt like I was surrounding Jackson by a couple children who were much more aggressive than he was. Jackson didn’t know how to react to the pushing, hitting or to the toys being thrown at him. He would nicely give back the toy to the thrower and smile. Thats my boy. I really don’t want his innocence to go away. He has been my best friend for 2 years and then some and tomorrow. I am leaving him and he might cry all day. I know the people who are watching him and they have 1 other two year old and 2 four year olds. He is completely loved there or it seemed that way when I went by.

Tonight I forgot all the reasons why we were going to take him there. It is mostly for social reasons, I want him to be able to trust other people and I want him to have the chance to parellel play with other kids. He is learning more and more at home everyday. I don’t think it is necessary to send him…..

Uggh and I told my husband that during one of the days I would be like a real housekeeper and fix our house. I have about 8 loads of laundry sitting on my dining room table waiting to be put away and probably 5 more loads after that… I know good moms have dirty ovens and sticky floors, I totally agree with that but thats how my house gets to point of no return. I am not at the point of no return yet. I could just coo at my 3 monther tomorrow. Screw cleaning, Oliver has been squealing when he laughs, it is so infectious. Time is flying for this family and I can feel change happening.

I am awaiting it, I am praying for it. We have everything we need, we are happy we have each other but we don’t feel right here.

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Beliefs

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness. – Dalai Lama

I didn’t use to believe in God..

Now I have my own personal beliefs which are different than Christian beliefs but I think religion is mostly about community and helping others.
I believe we all are one living and breathing organism. I believe in energy, I believe that prayer harnesses an energy that is not measurable yet. I think this is interconnected consciences and I think that is God.

I believe in enlightenment, I think that original thought(light bulbs going off in our heads) and creativity are God (my God).
I believe that Jesus is a way bringing God out of the mind but in movement/human kind of way. I think that being positive and helping one another is bringing God to others and out of others.

I was in junior college taking an art class on life drawing. I remember the first time I saw a person get naked and just stand there. We first did 1 minute gesture drawings, and I remember just looking at humanity differently. The insecurities of the human body, the flaws that the self is compelled to hate make each person who they are.
The teacher had us do a 15 minute sketch of the man,nude and posing. He was a white older male who was pretty proud of himself and his body but there was still insecurity in his prescence. He wanted us to like him and he was baring all of his physical body to let us see him, all of him. I remember having an outer body experience when I drew that man. I remember my hands sketching what my eyes saw. I knew that I believed in a interconnected consciousness then. I knew that right now I was doing something original and dare I say it great. I remember having all these thoughts in my head. I knew that God lived within all of us. I knew that there was a state of meditation that allowed you to tap into the interconciousness. We all have a mind that has thoughts and inspirations, i think that God helps you turn the light on in your head to live out those inspirations.
Anyways, after I knew that I believed in God. I looked at sketch and it was pretty good (great for me, lol). My teacher came over and said that this was talent and everybody oohed and awwed at my art. MY ART! I was inspired in that moment that I could do something anything well. I am not coordinated, I am a punishment to have on any sports team. I suck at math. I love to sing but don’t have the confidence to sing loud enough to even work on my voice. On that day, I felt like I was good at something. It was a big moment in my life. I mean I figured out how God would come into my life, he has always been there within me. And I learned that I could do something well.
I felt like when I told people about this experience they would then ask me if I was high. And I wasn’t shockingly. No drugs just my brain and me. I wrote about the experience in an english class. M teacher asked me if I was high when it happened. Nope.
Oh yeah so my beliefs. I believe in finding calm within oneselfs. I am pretty sure I am buddhist but I am really interested in Judaism and Christianity. I am just not sure how that all fits into my beliefs. But I think that is important for me to be open to change my beliefs and at least be open to learning more about religions.
I haven’t read much of the bible, I tell myself I want to but I have time and I don’t. I read stories to my kids but when they get older I want to teach them that God is a light/flame inside them and if they lose that fire. It can be relit by helping others.
My husband is christian but he has a little budhist in him. He isn’t perfect. He gives people grace when they act like fools. He forgives people.