It’s the night before company arrives for christmas. The house seems to stay a mess no matter how hard I work on it! The little guys wake up every morning and we start our day. But we have yet to find our groove. I am not the mom I always thought I would be… I don’t make breakfast ever, lol. I am always scraping to look somewhat presentable and so is my family. I don’t know what is missing but I know that it is my fault…. I think its really hard to admit to this but I am not the mother I wanted to be… I don’t yell, but my kids are lacking structure and I am lacking in motivation. I think the answer is I need is to stop breastfeeding and start taking anti depressants… My little guy is 9 months old and I never thought I would want to stop now… And I don’t want to stop now. I am happy andI love them so much. I am not resentful of them. I just don’t have the motivation I need. I don’t care that I don’t get to shower for a few days mostly because of my eczema. I want to make them the best people that they could possibly be and I don’t see myself motivated or well equipped enough to do that right now.
I have had A LOT of food allergies recently come up which make it really hard to meal plan. I am allergic to tomatoes, eggs mostly egg whites, oranges and bananas. Breastfeeding makes me so happy. I love every aspect about it but I tried taking a pill for one day and my littlest cried abnormally through out the day. So I have stopped. I am completely fine without medication. I am not crying, I am not sad, I have hopes and dreams. I might be just bored being new to a new city and not know what I need to do every day to get us all out of the house.
I PUSHED for us to buy a house and it feels so good. But there are so many things we need to do to get everybody situated. And there is always something in the way like my phone being stolen, or my car needing new tires or a wedding we HAVE to go to. Ideally we would have a set time for everything to happen every day. But we live off a man who works a retail schedule, I don’t understand how people are so scheduled and have everything all perfectly put away. I don’t understand how I am supposed to be martha freaking stewart with a 9 month old that nurses around the clock and a little guy with TERRIBLE eczema. We are doing fine financially I just hate not contributing. I hate that my house is never put together. I hate that I don’t have dinner on the table every night. I feel like I am not excelling at my job because of these things.
I changed my way of talking to Jackson and discipling him. He is very sensitive, and has intense emotions that he doesn’t always know how to explain that he needs space like when Ollie constantly getting into his toys or crawling on him. I ask him if he needs a hug or a cuddle and he looks up at me, he says “Yes mama, pease”. He needs a reset, a lot of times. I am hoping things will start changing soon. Jackson is full blown talking, YAY!!! I worried a lot about him and he seems to be doing fine. There is so much joy in this home. I love having everyone here. I have everything I need. I just think I am always looking for that magic thing or activity to make the day much more manageable. I love having a garage. If I drive out in the world with my two littles to do errands and they fall asleep then I can drive into my garage. Leave the windows open, car off garage door closed and prop open the door to the inside of the laundry room. I can get things done and they can get their sleep. I really needed that and I got that.
findingmyfootinginlife 