The house is quiet, it’s 2 am on a sunday morning. Reveling in the quietness, I should make tea. I just cleaned and cleaned. I used to hate cleaning but now I love it! I get to put headphones on or I put on music really loud and I sing/clean and dance. Jackson helps sometimes, and he will dance with me.
I rely on music, fresh air and good company to keep me away from depression or anxiety… I am not sure which one I have. I took medication twice in my life for depression but it didn’t help, so I did it for a month, then stopped and I would rather not be on meds. So I know that music makes me smile, makes my hips move and can usually bring on motivation. My awesome little family gives me motivation when I wake up to do things for them but I need a little push to do things for me.
I got out my paintbrushes on friday and just started painting a canvas with no idea what it would be. I got paint on my neck, and on my clothes. It felt soo good. Somewhere in the last 4 years I have stopped letting myself be me. Whoever that is. I have stopped living out loud I want to say I have been scared to make mistakes.
So before I started dating Andy. I was not at my best weight but I was fit and I was keeping my weight at that level by running, starving myself here or there and usually throwing up my food at least 10 times a week. I would decide that 1 taco would be fine to eat and then have 3 tacos…So I would eat more and then make myself puke. I had done this since I was in middle school so it wasn’t anything new to me. My parents sent me to therapy twice for it but I wasn’t willing to talk about it and only went to one session each time.
I remember the first time my now husband found out that I threw up my food. He threatened our relationship and I really wanted him to be the one….So I basically stopped. I started running more and I stopped eating as much..
But I got injured pretty badly I fractured my back and herniated a disc in my neck, and it hurt. I felt broken and out of control. I tried to start running after and got a tiny fracture in my foot from old shoes and over training. More depression. Then I lost my title at work and I think I just lost my self confidence. I got in this negative pattern. And I have been so hard on myself.
So now 3-4 years later… Married with 2 kids. I am reclaiming that confidence hopefully with a vengeance. I have wanted to blog since I had my first child but I was always worried about offending someone or my grammar. Whatever. I don’t care if I end up being the only one that reads this blog, that would be fine with me…. But I am excited about life and my possibilities. And if you want to read along I will gladly bring you!
I have 3 goals for Reclaiming me.
1. Yoga and running again. My body craves to be stretched and I miss the runners high.
2. Cooking. I know how to cook mostly asian foods. My husband Andy didn’t like these foods when I first started dating him. But he has since changed his tastes and is now loving thai and spicy foods. We are becoming vegetarians. So I am excited to experiment with beans and use my food processor.
3. I am taking art classes. Super excited! I love drawing,painting and studying the human body. I took life drawing and the first time I drew a naked body it was put in an exhibit at my school. And my art teacher saw talent in me, gave me guidance and confidence in my work. Art was the first thing that I have been acknowledged for other than some poetry that I wrote…
findingmyfootinginlife 